Celebrating One Year No Contact With My Abuser

Last year after I was diagnosed with Ehler-Danlons Syndrome I was faced with a decision that had been in the works for years.

It was time to cut my mother completely out of my life.

She had fought tooth and nail to prevent me from getting to this point. She tried to force me to sign over my guardianship rights to her shortly after I turned 18. She harassed me, calling my cellphone and work over and over again when I decided to get my own cell phone plan. She was so angry, I was afraid she'd escalate to physical violence.

She decided not to pay my medical bills and credit card we shared until the credit card was almost maxed out and the medical bills almost got sent to collections. She would scream at me about how much I was charging on her credit card. I would explain that I was really struggling with money and that she should just remove me. She said she couldn't do it because she felt bad, but I knew that would also eliminate her narcissistic supply. I finally got my own credit card and quietly removed myself from her account, she never even noticed.

She made subtle jabs at my relationship, trying to convince me not to get married. She would say divorce was always an option and exclaim that it was a shame that I was choosing to have such a hillbilly, lesbian wedding. She always hated that I was queer. "What will our neighbors say?!?" On my wedding day, she called me an asshole and complained to anyone who would listen that I wouldn't let her pay for the wedding.

She would remind me that I was a failure, a college dropout. I took a break after my associate's degree to figure out my health and now I was doomed to poverty. I was lazy. I was stupid.

She volunteered to watch me after a spinal tap, but then abandoned me all day to go shopping at the mall. The only food she brought me was covered in onions, which she knows I can't eat. She kicked me in the legs because I was walking funny. She hit me in the face because I was talking funny. She hoped out loud that I had Huntington's Disease. When I told her I was hurt, she claimed she was only joking.

When I called her to tell her that I finally, finally had a real diagnosis after years of searching. She didn't care. She didn't want to know anything about it. I was the second child of hers to be diagnosed and she said she wouldn't be taking the third (my sister) to the doctor because she didn't care.

I had (finally) had enough. I told her either we can start seeing a therapist together, or we can part ways. She wished me luck but made it clear she had no interest in seeing a therapist. We haven't spoken since.

That was almost a year ago. We haven't talked since 9/28/2018. Not a text, not a letter, not a happy birthday card, or merry Christmas. You would think I would be happy to have rid myself of such a toxic person. But, I'm not happy. I feel such an incredible loss.

I wrote a poem for my mom, the mom I deserved, who died and also never existed. I cry when I miss her, at least when I miss the idea of a mother. She missed my college graduation. She missed the news about my new job. She's missing out on my success and recovery. And, she'll miss saying goodbye to me when I move across the country.

I have nightmares about her every night. Sometimes I'm young again. And, sometimes the dreams take place in the present. But, I never "win." She always overpowers me.

Being rejected by your parent, even an awful parent, can make someone feel so unloved and worthless. I still mourn the relationship I have with my mom, I yearn for the mother I always wanted, and I hope that she will see the light and I can accept her back into my life. I don't think the chances of that are very good.

But, even though I have all these horrible memories, there are some good memories mixed in. And, it leaves me with such a bittersweet feeling. If only she could be like that all the time! We could have a healthy relationship, and I could have a mother I can call when I have good news and she would be proud of me. But, alas, there is something broken inside of her. And, she has tried her best to transfer that brokenness into me so that she may be fixed. My mother has left a huge hole in my heart that I'm not sure will ever be completely filled.